Rupture and Repair
The last time I checked, there was no perfect parent….except maybe Dr. Karyn Purvis, but she would probably even admit that she had her moments. Society and culture send out this false narrative that in order to have well-behaved, respectful, smart, obedient children, the parents must be perfect. No yelling, scolding, losing their cool, getting frustrated, or having big feelings in front of their kids. Ever. Never ever.
Here’s the thing. If we don’t show our kids that we are imperfect humans that sometime lose our cool and have big feelings, our kids will think that is not normal. If we never have the opportunity to model repair after a rupture in the relationship, our kids will not learn how to apologize and repair. If we are always perfect in front of our kids, the moment that they experience anything imperfect, they will feel shame.
Research shows us that when we have a secure attachment with our kids, it is actually better for our kids to experience rupture and repair with us than to have a perfect parent that never makes a mistake. Our kids need to have a healthy environment to learn how to be in a relationship that isn’t always perfect because the reality is, no relationship is perfect. By sheltering our kids from conflict, we are doing disservice to them and their development.
Am I giving permission to be a jerk to your kids? Nope. Am I giving you permission to be disrespectful to your kids? Nope. I’m simply pointing out that we have to allow for ourselves to not be perfect. We have to give ourselves permission to make mistakes knowing that we can (and should) apologize and repair the rupture we caused in the relationship by losing our cool.
So the next time you realize you have raised your voice, shamed your child, rolled your eyes, or had a rude tone with them, stop immediately and apologize. Tell them that you are sorry and that they should never let anyone treat them that way. Let them know you are working on doing better. Ask for a re-do and try again! Allowing our kids to hear us admit we were wrong and be willing to try again will normalize this for them and make it easier for them to apologize and do re-dos themselves.