Parenting with Purpose: Changes start with you!
Whether you are a parent, caregiver, teacher, coach, or relative, we all have kids in our lives that absorb what we say and do. If we are in a state of stress and have an energy of being in survival, our kids are going to feel that. They will watch how we handle our big feelings. They will model how we respond when we are triggered. They will absorb what we say and do.
It starts with us. We cannot give our kids what we don’t have. If we don’t have the ability to regulate our body in the midst of stress, how can we model that for our kids? If we are not caring for our nervous system and moving towards a place of healing and wholeness, how can we lead our kids down that road? If we do not model mutual respect for our kids, how will they know that this is part of a healthy relationship?
So take a few baby steps towards yourself. We can’t expect a complete overhaul or healing overnight. When we set the bar too high on our own healing and growth, then we feel like a failure and give up if we don’t feel changes right away. Here are a few baby steps you can start today as you start on your journey.
1. Find a good therapist who can guide you on your journey. If you have a history of trauma yourself, I highly recommend checking out EMDR therapy. I personally have found it helpful, but also know it is backed in research. You can search through your insurance, or go to www.psychologytoday.com Pro tip…you can interview a therapist and do not have to commit to the first therapist you meet with! It's your journey, not theirs.
2. Incorporate deep breaths and intentional breathing into your daily routine. Whether it is first thing in the morning, right before bed, or anytime you are feeling stressed, intentional breathing can help slow down your nervous system. The easiest way to start is by breathing to the count of 4 (in through the nose, out through the mouth) a minimum of 4 times in a row. You can also find apps and videos to help you learn more about breathwork. Here is a good one to start with - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlTC2HBmPeM
3. Go for a walk a few times a week. There is scientific evidence that shows that when we use cross brain activity, coupled with slowing down, we can help calm our nervous system. Walking is cross brain as we move from our left foot to right. Pay attention to your breathing. Focus on what you see and hear around you. Take it a step further and repeat a mantra or affirmation (out loud or in your head) as you walk.
4. Start paying attention to how your body feels when you are stressed. Where is the tension or energy? What color is it? What does it look like? What are your thoughts when you are stressed? Is there a place you go to in your mind? Who is there with you? Write down what you experience each time and start looking for a pattern. Hold space for these experiences and consider bringing into therapy. If you’re not ready to bring them into therapy, just notice them. Bring attention to them. Name them.
It's a New Year and the perfect time to shift the focus to yourself. When we are in the midst of caring for kids who have high needs or come from adversity, we forget about ourselves and that we need to be cared for too.
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